Newswire (Fake News)
« Previous Entries Next Entries »Report: “Depend on McCain” Slogan Totally Backfiring
Tuesday, June 17th, 2008John McCain’s campaign manager, Rick Davis, was fired yesterday after polls indicated his slogan “Depend on McCain in ‘08″ was totally backfiring.
New polls released by Quinnipiac reported that McCain was down 37 points overall since the new slogan was implemented on June 14, though slightly up with seniors and astronauts.
Dallas Area Strippers Issued Bulletproof Vests
Friday, June 6th, 2008PHILLYJOCK NEWS WIRE — Anticipating the arrival of Pacman Jones, Dallas area strippers have been issued bulletproof vests.
Maria Sharapova Calls Injury Timeout to Ice Flagging Nipples
Wednesday, June 4th, 2008Play at the 2007 Women’s U.S. Open was delayed over twenty minutes last week when tennis star/sex symbol Maria Sharapova called an injury timeout to ice her flagging nipples.
A hunched-over, elderly male line judge reported that the blonde-haired vixen fled to the locker room after catching sight of herself on a television monitor and noticing [...]
Despite Injury, Lieber Still Pumped for Dollar Dog Night
Sunday, April 27th, 2008Fair or unfair, since the departure of Lenny Dykstra, John Kruk, Darren Daulton, and the so-called “Macho Row” of the early ‘90s, the Philadelphia Phillies have been branded with the label “gutless.” They have been accused by some of being “robots” with “zero passion for the game.”
However, at least one Phillie—pitcher Jon Lieber—is doing his best [...]
Drunk Eagles Tailgater Unaware Game Occurred
Friday, April 25th, 2008While 67,000 fans crammed into Lincoln Financial Field to watch the Eagles obliterate the Detroit Lions yesterday, at least one dedicated tailgater, Fran Hopkins, 47, was passed out in the parking lot at FDR Park, completely unaware a football game was happening.
Men’s Figure Skating Still Gayer Than Gymnastics… Barely
Friday, April 25th, 2008A recent poll has shown that men’s figure skating is still the gayest sport in America, though men’s gymnastics has snuggled up closely behind, in position to reach around and pull in front.
Pacman Jones Donates Million Dollars to Stripper Named Charity
Friday, April 25th, 2008Striking back at those who claim he just doesn’t get it, NFL bad boy Adam “Pacman” Jones has announced the donation of one million dollars to Charity, a stripper at his local gentleman’s club.
“I believe this shows everyone out there what kind of person I am,” Jones said, standing beside several club VIPs. “So for [...]
Source: Kid Who Sat Next to Barack Obama in Kindergarten May Have Been a Terrorist
Friday, April 25th, 2008The American public was rocked today with the revelation that the kid who sat next to Barack Obama in kindergarten may have been a terrorist
Black Hockey Fans Pour Into Streets to Celebrate Flyers’ Latest Victory
Friday, April 25th, 2008It was a wild scene in Philadelphia last night as black hockey fans from all parts of the city poured into the streets to celebrate the Flyers’ latest victory.
Witnesses report the pandemonium reached its peak around 12:00 A.M. when a small oak leaf, which had been on the left side of the road for much [...]
Kyle Korver Greeted in Utah with Showering of Oversized White Granny-Panties
Friday, April 25th, 2008Salt Lake City —Just days after being traded to the Jazz, Aston Kutcher look-alike Kyle Korver has stirred up a swarm of sexual energy never before witnessed in the Beehive State .
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Miles Orville, a janitor at Energy Solutions Arena. “When [Korver] checks into the game, like 10,000 pairs [...]