Newswire (Fake News)
« Previous EntriesArchives: Unsure What to Say Next, Pam Oliver Jams Entire 10″ Microphone into Mouth, Throws It Back to the Guys Upstairs
Wednesday, November 19th, 2008PHILLYJOCK, PA–NFL fans were treated to a special performance from Pam Oliver this weekend.
Shortly after halftime, the plump-lipped Fox sideline reporter drew a blank, stared into the camera for six seconds, and, unsure what to do next, jammed the entire length of her 10” microphone into her mouth and threw it back to the guys [...]
Players Dump Bucket of Urine on Coach After Season-Clinching Loss
Monday, November 10th, 2008Members of the Philadelphia Eagles jubilantly dumped a bucket of steaming hot urine on the head of coach Andy Reid last night as the clock expired on yet another close loss, and likely the entire season.
“The guys, they got me pretty good,” Reid admitted afterward, still drenched at his post-game press conference. “I was in [...]
Man Forced to Work on One Day’s Rest
Tuesday, September 30th, 2008Leroy Cole (far left) is scheduled to work on one day’s rest, General Motors has announced.
“It’s not ideal,” Cole admitted. “When I come in on only one day’s rest—which has been every day for the past thirty five years—I’m usually groggy and tired. I don’t want to be there. I’m not at my peak, [...]
Fed. Announces Bailout of Collapsing Mets
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008The chaos in New York City continued last night as the federal government announced the bailout of yet another collapsing institution: the New York Mets.
“We are in crisis mode,” said U.S. Sec. of Treasury Henry M. Paulson. “We can’t afford to sit back with our hot dogs and our bags of peanuts and our [...]
Bernie Brewer Commits Suicide
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008Details are still emerging, but reports out of Milwaukee indicate that Bernie Brewer has drowned himself. After watching his beloved “Brew-Crew” lose four straight to the Phillies, then witnessing Carlos Zambrano hurl a no-hitter in Miller Park, the depressed mascot fastened a sack of baseballs to his right leg and made his final slide [...]
Bela Karolyi’s Head Explodes on National TV Again
Tuesday, August 19th, 2008Bears Announce Retirement of Rex Grossman
Thursday, July 24th, 2008CHICAGO - The NFC North’s most famous QB controversy came to a close yesterday as the Chicago Bears formally announced the retirement of quarterback Rex Grossman.
“We wish to thank Rex for his outstanding contributions to the Bears organization,” said coach Lovie Smith. “Rex has been our rock, a really heavy one, in fact, and [...]
Report: “Depend on McCain” Slogan Totally Backfiring
Tuesday, June 17th, 2008John McCain’s campaign manager, Rick Davis, was fired yesterday after polls indicated his slogan “Depend on McCain in ‘08″ was totally backfiring.
New polls released by Quinnipiac reported that McCain was down 37 points overall since the new slogan was implemented on June 14, though slightly up with seniors and astronauts.
Dallas Area Strippers Issued Bulletproof Vests
Friday, June 6th, 2008PHILLYJOCK NEWS WIRE — Anticipating the arrival of Pacman Jones, Dallas area strippers have been issued bulletproof vests.
Maria Sharapova Calls Injury Timeout to Ice Flagging Nipples
Wednesday, June 4th, 2008Play at the 2007 Women’s U.S. Open was delayed over twenty minutes last week when tennis star/sex symbol Maria Sharapova called an injury timeout to ice her flagging nipples.
A hunched-over, elderly male line judge reported that the blonde-haired vixen fled to the locker room after catching sight of herself on a television monitor and noticing [...]
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