Steve Irwin, Your Thoughts on Game 1?
By Jock | October 23, 2008
Category: Local News
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“Go Phillies! Beat the Rays!”
Apologies. I took 5 full pages of notes last night, and was planning to do a big report today. Because the Phillies being in the World Series is like a passing comet, I wanted to create some kind of historical record that would crystalize my thoughts and feelings, moment-by-moment, so that in 50 years I could scroll through the database attached to my retina, kick back, and remember how glorious it all was.
And then…reality. Cold, broke reality. So if you’re reading this, Jock Trotter 50 Years From Now, what you’ll mainly want to remember is how much more time you had to write after you devised that genius plan to get rich in 2014. However, before you head to your next job in 15 minutes, here are just a few memories you’ll want to hang onto from Game 1 of the 2008 World Series [which the Phillies won 3-2, of course].
-This man’s name is Grant Balfour.
He’s dead now. But back then he was a pitcher for the Rays and also the angriest person you’d ever seen. Thanks to HD TV, you could lip-read every curse word streaming out of his mouth. What a psycho. He’s probably down in his coffin now, clawing at the lid, bitching about how he gave up that game-winning HR in Game 5…
[Note: The only person I've ever seen remotely as angry - in real life or not - is this character, "Jake the Mus", from an awesome NZ movie called Once Were Warriors. I'll tell you all about it some other time. But watch this video and the way his face twitches and tell me Balfour isn't the same way.]
-To generate “excitement” the Rays gave all their fans cowbells. You spent a good 10 minutes trying to figure out what it sounded like inside that stupid dome. [Note: the answer is a spoon in a garbage disposal. Listen tonight. You'll hear.] But after 10 minutes the fans had already lost interest and began asking what “quarter” it was and cheering “Let’s-Go-Light-ning!”
-Steve Irwin was a famous Australian outdoorsman killed by a sting ray. Hilarious text messages were flying all over Philadelphia. All night.
-Not only did BJ Upton not run out two important double-play balls, he had this amazing line-score in the first hour: 3 innings, 4 outs caused, 4 men left on base.
-Asking “FoxTrax” if a pitch is a ball or a strike is like asking a drunk guy if a girl is hot or not. Fortunately, in both cases, it doesn’t really matter.
-Chase Utley hit a 2-run HR in the first inning. The week before, your mom, who worked at Jefferson Hospital, twice saw him walking gingerly from therapy at the Rothman institute. He walked around with his head down and a cap pulled over his eyes. None of this was disclosed. Of course it wasn’t.
So now we move on to Game 2. Did the Phillies come back with a 2-0 advantage? Or was Brett Myers throwing haymakers on the plane ride home like Jake the Mus?
You already know. I can’t wait to find out. I’ll be listening on a little radio at work.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Lovin’ Jake the Muss, New Zealand’s most well-known international export. You will all remember him as Django Fett, the space-truckin’ bounty hunter from Star Wars (not to be confused with Django Reinhardt, the legendary two-fingered french Jazz guitarist).
George Lucas decided to clone him into an immortal army of white plastic robots called Stormtroopers. “fuckin’ Beauuuutiful”.