Fed. Announces Bailout of Collapsing Mets
By Jock | September 17, 2008
Category: Newswire (Fake News)
The chaos in New York City continued last night as the federal government announced the bailout of yet another collapsing institution: the New York Mets.
“We are in crisis mode,” said U.S. Sec. of Treasury Henry M. Paulson. “We can’t afford to sit back with our hot dogs and our bags of peanuts and our mini-helmets with ice cream and watch another New York cash cow bite the dust right before our eyes.”
The Pre-emptive Bailout comes just days after the realization that the Yankees will not be competing in the playoffs.
MLB Commissioner Bug Selig announced that Roy Oswalt, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Zambrano, Matt Holliday, Ichiro, Ryan Howard and Cole Hamels had been transferred to the Mets immediately.
Meanwhile, working in the shadow of the Mets’ new taxpayer-funded stadium, just up the road from the Yankees new stadium, and not far from Wall St., season-ticket holder/construction worker Max Benson said: “I don’t know, it all seems like a bunch of asshole millionaires playing games to me.”