A Report from the Eagles “2008 Kickoff Party”
By Jock | September 5, 2008
Category: Local News
So the Eagles had their annual “Kickoff Party” at The Linc last night. I didn’t even know such a thing existed until my buddy scored some free tickets, so off we went to investigate “the true beginning of football season.” I brought along a notepad to jot down some observations, and a camera phone. Was it worth it? I don’t know—let’s tally up the wins and losses and make sense of this mess.
Cheerleaders
Sorry, I have to start with this picture. If you’re wondering why I haven’t posted much this week, it’s because I was researching an article Tuesday when I stumbled across this picture and I’ve been staring at it ever since.
That’s Janelle, first-year Eagles cheerleader, Bethlehem native, recently featured in Maxim, cause of the most wadded-up tissues since the Influenza Outbreak of 1918. She was in attendance (I’m assuming, they all kin of look like interchangeable porn stars, it’s hard to tell), along with her “teammates” mingling with the crowd, trying not to touch anyone.
Verdict: WIN.
Free Parking
Yes, you read that right. I can’t tell you how strange it felt to pass onto Eagles property without that soul-draining moment when you stop, roll down your window, and pass twenty more dollars out the window for a rectangular piece of colored paper. Is there a more miserable transaction in life? After we parked, I even looked in my wallet just to make sure the money hadn’t magically vanished.
Verdict: WIN
“You got ID?”
Normally when you go into an Eagles game, there is the requisite bag check and frisk before you even get to the ticket-takers. My guess is if we walked through X-ray machines it would be the funniest thing anyone has ever seen. It’d be like that scene in Austin Powers when he and Heather Graham are in the backlit tent, and it looks like he’s pulling all kinds of crazy stuff from his ass, only instead of rope and umbrellas you’d see a cascade of flasks, 16 oz. pounders, and flare guns.
Well, it was the same procedure for this event, only it was 21+, so they had bouncers carding people instead of frisking them. We were given Waterpark/College Night wristbands…and then carded again thirty seconds later when we went to purchase a beer. Lame.
Verdict: LOSS.
Beer
According to the Eagles website, the event was sponsored by MillerCoors (when the hell did they merge?). Going in, we weren’t sure if all the beer was on the house or what. Well, nope, $6.50 for a 16oz plastic cup, just like a regular game.
There were also dozens of semi-hot promotion girls for Miller Chill, and a stand where they were giving out free shots of it, right next to the stand where they were selling bottles of it for $7. I’m not kidding.
This seems like a good time to make fun of Miller Chill. The whole concept is preposterous and it tastes like carbonated kool-aid. The beer was just released, what, a year ago?, and already it’s replaced Michelob Ultra as the gayest beer in America. Hey, this Miller Chill’s for you, MR.-I-HAVE-NO-NUTS-IN-MY-SCROTUM-GUY. It should only be drank by eunuchs.
Verdict: LOSS.
The Best Part of the Night
I’m telling you, there were so many atrocious jerseys my head was on a swivel and I couldn’t take the pictures fast enough. I can’t decide between these two for the Best in Show. What do you think?
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
A throwback Takeo Spikes jersey—or a 1996 San Francisco 49ers Jeff Garcia jersey. Tough call.
Andy Reid
So we were all mingling around in the pavilion outside the Linc, kind of an awkward vibe in the air, when Andy Reid came on stage to “get the party started.” I don’t think this really matters, and I wouldn’t even mention it if it wasn’t so shocking, but he’s really really big these days. He was wearing a size XXXXXL short-sleeved, button down black Eagles shirt. When he walked off stage—forgive me, but there’s only one way I can accurately describe this—he looked like…you know when you’re taking a dump and you realize that there’s no toilet paper in the bathroom, and you have to do that super-awkward waddle down the hall to get a new roll, and it’s the worst moment of your life when your ass cheeks touch, but you suck it up and soldier on? That’s exactly how he waddled. Hey, I call ‘em like I see ‘em.
Verdict: N/A
Entertainment/Activities
Take a look at this giant inflatable object they had outside the stadium.
Kind of looks like Jerome Brown’s Ghost coming through the Stargate, doesn’t it? If he had Michael Jackson Disease? I don’t know, it kind of freaked me out.
At the far end of the concourse, away from the stage, they had this object, where, after signing a waiver (with a fake name), you try to throw football through three holes, each of different width. I pegged my first throw right off #99’s facemask, which did not amuse the staff very much.
They also had Cornholes set up which, by my count, about 6 people played all night.
I’d be willing to give them a WIN just for effort, if the band they selected wasn’t Everclear. Yes, “Father of Mine” Everclear. What, Color Me BADD wasn’t available? These guys sounded terrible. People were trying to get into it, but the band was so out of tune and out of place that it just bombed, and we left shortly after.
Verdict: LOSS
Overall
I guess the best way to make an overall assessment is to ask this question: would I go again next year? Well, I think the answer is no, but it wasn’t a total waste. I got to see some fantastic jerseys, some cheerleaders, and Dave Spadaro up close and personal. What a dream come true.
Oh, and one last thing. I’m hesitant to even reveal it, but what the hell. About 1/3 of the time into the event, we saw some intern milling around in the ticket office, so we thought it would be funny to walk up to him and casually ask for 5 tickets to the game on Sunday, knowing that the game has been sold out forever and there’s like a 70,000-person waiting list for season tickets. So I walk up like an asshole and the guys says, “Sure, how many you need?”
Apparently, a certain amount of tickets are offered to the away team, and the ones that don’t get sold come back to the team on Thursday night. A limited number are then available at the box office. For teams whose fans travel, like Pittsburgh, you’re fucked; but St. Louis…how many you need? Maybe that’s common knowledge, but I never knew it. So for those heading down there Sunday, I’ll see you there!
Bring your $20 for parking.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Dude, awesome article. Did that jerk off really give you tickets for the game?