I’m a Creep, You’re a Creep, We’re All Watching NBC
By Jock | August 15, 2008
Category: Other News
It’s 1 AM and you’re beginning to fear that Federal Agents are going to crash through your window.
Straight ahead, cheering drones from your tv; the room is illuminated metallic blue. You jump up, eyes fixed on the golf bag in the corner. You step back, slowly—tip-toeing almost—and extract a club. Now your fists tighten; your knuckles whiten; your toes claw the carpet; hot blood pumps through your ears. Bring it on, bitch. You stand for five minutes, heart racing, and then you hear it, a click…
The front door. Your roommate walks in. He looks at you: standing in your boxers, in the middle of the living room floor, ready to swing a 9-iron like Ty Cobb, and says: “Dude…what the fuck are you doing?!?!?!?”
*
Said dramatic sequence did NOT happen to me last night. But I was feeling mildly uncomfortable at 1 AM (and I do keep my golf bag in the living room, by the way). A friend walked in and I was sitting on the couch, watching the Olympics on NBC. He didn’t think there was anything strange about it. He sat down next to me.
“You shoulda seen the bar,” he said. “At one point the bartender looked around and goes, ‘This is a first. We got three TVs going: one showin’ the Eagles, one showin’ the Phillies…and fifty dudes watchin’ women’s gymnastics!”
Who wasn’t?
If you weren’t, well, you missed out.
American gymnasts Shawn Johnson and Nastia (“Nas”) Liukin were competing for the all-around gold, which only two American women had ever won. It had all the elements of Enthralling Athletic Drama: historical significance (the Olympics! …on NBC!), controversy (“the Americans are being cheated!”), good vs. evil (boo China! You’re 12-year-old gymnasts look like Sam Cassell as a fetus!), and, of course, Bela Karoli (I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with that guy, but I like it!).
Oh, and one more thing: hot chicks.
But here’s the question we need to ask ourselves: are they hot? And if they are, should we even be looking?
Nastia Liukin (who eventually won the gold) is 19 years old. Using the PhillyJock Age Advancement Machine, I can project with 100% certainty that by the year 2017 she will look like this:
Whoa baby! That’s a double-black diamond! But the body? I’m pretty sure she could go down on both me and herself at the same time. If we’re being honest here, I probably spent about 50% of the time checking out her ass/staring between her legs, 30% fantasizing about a sexual position called “The Pretzel”, and 20% hoping she didn’t fall over. And don’t lie: you were doing the same thing.
Shawn Johnson was born in 1992. That’s right: she was born when Bill Clinton was president. She kind of looks like a chipmunk, and she walks like a gorilla that has to take a dump, but she’s undeniably cute, and could stop traffic with her ass (and I don’t mean stop traffic because they’re looking, I mean literally the cars would smash off it).
I have only one point to make here and that’s to acknowledge that, for a split second, sometime between the balance beam and the floor exercise, I realized that NBC wasn’t really showing me a sporting event, but some kind of bizarre cross-breed between sports and soft-core porn. I remember watching the same event in 1996, when then-16-year-old Dominique Moceanu was leg-kicking her way to gold…and every male stayed seated afterward to watch the equestrian because they had half a chubby. And so that’s how it is, and how it will be. Every four years, for one night, it becomes culturally-acceptable to watch high school girls prance around in their underwear. They should put it on the calendar, but instead of Leap Year, it should be called Creep Year. You can watch it NBC, sponsored by Visa and Exxon Mobile; no one will bother you; no Federal Agents will crash through your window. For one night, you get a free pass.
And when you drive past the high school the next day, and you look out the window and see the sleeze in the jean jacket, watching the girl’s field hockey practice, you can turn your nose up and say to yourself: look at that guy, what a creep.
August 17th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Hahaha hilarious AND DAMN THATS HOTT.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:40 am
Where’s Shawn Johnson at? I gotta piss….
August 18th, 2008 at 11:28 am
“Hey baby, how old are you?”
“16″
“18? Alllllll-right…giggidy giggidy gig-gidy…”
August 18th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
FYI: the legal age of consent in Pennsylvania IS 16
August 18th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Seems kinda contradictory with the whole 18 = adult laws… but I am not going to complain. There are a couple of questionable skeletons in my closet.. and in the back seat of my mom’s regal. Booyah!
August 18th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Masturbating is a lot better looking at these girls.
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August 19th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
The things I would do to those two girls!