How-to: Make Yourself Look Awesome Hosting the Olympics
By MacGyver | August 27, 2008
Category: MacGyver
Oh China, you silly communist bastard… I can’t even count the times that you’ve captured me and I’ve escaped; how many times you’ve shot at me and missed; how many times I’ve fellated your women and got away with it (yea, that’s right…Mac’s got the yellow fever); and how many times I stole your secrets and brought them back to the states. But what did you do to save face when I brought your most precious military secrets back to the U.S. on a raft made of milk jugs and chopsticks? You killed a general and told the country he was a spy. Classic China…you never fail to impress.
And that is why I was so delighted to watch you host the Summer Olympic games for the past two weeks. I mean, you never stop out-doing yourself, and that’s what I love about you. You knew that there was no way that the world would perceive you as docile without a little wizardry, and I’ll be damned if you didn’t deliver.
What a Cute Little Girl!
With the games over and everyone returning to a life without freestyle trampoline and Ribbon/Baton gymnastics, I’d like to reflect on the little things China did to go that extra mile.
Let me start with the opening ceremonies. Remember that cute little girl who so passionately sang “Ode to the Motherland” as the
Chinese flag was marched into Beijing’s National Stadium? God, she was adorable, wasn’t she? Do you know what else she was? A fucking liar. At the last second China replaced little 7-year-old Yang Peiyi, who was an ugly little child, with a much more attractive 9-year-old Lin Miaoke, who lip-synced Yang’s version of the tune. I guess I’m ok with it, because hell, who wants to watch some ugly girl sing a song about a country I care nothing about? Right? Right? See, China knew you’d agree.
These Ain’t No 4th of July Fireworks
And no, that’s not because China is a communist country and wouldn’t know freedom if it bit them on the ass, but because the fireworks during the opening ceremony were something that only someone with their life depending 
on it (most likely) could pull off. If you watched the opening ceremonies like I didn’t, then you probably know what I’m talking about. They were amazing. If I had seen them live on t.v. I might have pooped myself just so I could say they were so amazing that I pooped myself. However, I don’t think I would have had that reaction if I was watching them on the streets of Beijing. That’s because there’s a little discrepancy between what the street viewers saw and what the t.v. viewers saw. What we saw was an amazing feet (pun intended) of engineering: footprints made in fireworks leading across the sky to the Olympic stadium. It’s just a shame that the engineering we witnessed was computer engineering. As my Uncle Charlie so eloquently put it while we were watching, “Yo, they fake man.” Yes Chuck, they fake. Chinese computer engineers spent an entire year designing the sequence to be spliced into the “live” television feed. The reason? It was too dangerous to try and film them from the air. China…you are on. an. eggroll.
What a Facade
Luckily for China everything between the opening and closing ceremonies (the games themselves) went off relatively without a hitch. Well except for the whole questionable judging thing. Do a quick Google search of “Beijing olympics judging unfair”…I don’t have the time or the space to list all of the results.
There were other things, however, that China did to make sure that their already sterling world image wouldn’t be tarnished. Such as only using beautiful, identical looking women for all of the medal ceremonies. Or shutting 
down all of the construction projects in Beijing to reduce the smog and pollution. But wait, if they did that, wouldn’t there be all sorts of half finished eyesores along Beijing’s pristine skyline? Well, lucky for us the commies had that covered. Literally. Beijing officials printed realistic building facades onto giant pieces of vinyl and had them hung from the sides of the incomplete buildings to make them appear finished. I shit you not.
There is no length to which the Chinese won’t go to make themselves look flawless and amazing. And in a country full of civil rights nightmares and censorship, I can’t help but feel a sense of irony encompassing the entire event.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I read a report that when the IOC was considering the chinese bid, the gov’t spraypainted the grass outside the hotel so it would be more green!!
August 27th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
You read right, Brian.
Philadelphia Inquirer
This is one country I hope we never fuck with, because I have no doubt they’d be willing to march to the gates of hell at the request of the government.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
You don’t fellate a woman you moron.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Did I say women? I meant tranny’s… my bad…