How to Win Her Heart…with Your Fingers (Pt. 2)
By Jock | July 28, 2008
Category: Sex and the Illy
Was out at happy hour at Midtown Continental earlier this week and got a girl’s phone number. She’s hot, and seems cool. The guys in Swingers say wait a week to call, but that seems dated. Now that texting is so popular…what are the expectations, and the best course of action (presuming I like her)?
Chris, Fairmount
When we hear the word “technology” today, we immediately think of cell phones and laptops and iPhones—maybe we glimpse Bill Gates pushing up his glasses, or the Mac Guy with his arms crossed, or a glowing micro-chip. But really, that’s a pretty narrow (and recent) association. In the most general sense, technology is simply the application of intelligence and imagination toward the resolution of specific problems. Our modern lives are a compound of all the technology that’s come before us. Right now I’m sitting in a room; this room has four walls; one of the walls has a window with a white curtain; opposite that is a vent connected to a machine which churns out cold air to keep this enclosed space at a comfortable 72° F; I’m sitting on a chair, at a table; on the table is a “machine”, made of several different kinds of hard plastic, connected by wire to a hole in the wall that is connected to a building, miles away, which I have never seen, that produces electricity…and so on. We take these things for granted, as we should. But it’s interesting to think that, once upon a time, just having a wall was cutting edge technology.
An even simpler definition for technology is: things that make our lives easier/more comfortable. Which leads to the paradox: why, with the release of every new piece of technology, do I feel as if my life is getting more complicated?
*
So, Chris, you have a problem. You’ve come to the right place. As it turns out, your problem is the oldest problem our species has ever known. You have this thing called a “penis.” By chance you’ve encountered a member of the opposite gender who has something called a “vagina.” You’ve been told (or maybe you even know) that these two fleshy puzzle pieces fit together. For evolutionary/psychological reasons you can’t even begin to explain, when you see this “wo-man” your brain enters an excited state: your heart rate accelerates, your breathing quickens, a tingly sensation shoots up your spine—biological functions you associate with “liking” this person. And so your problem is how to convince this person you’ve never met before that taking off all her clothes and screwing—with you—is a reasonable idea. And you’re right, in this day and age, texting is becoming an ever-more-important part of that process.
(Disclaimer before I get angry comments and emails from every woman I know: yes, I understand courtship is far more civilized than that…but you get my point.)
Texting is more popular than ever. The FCC estimates that something like 100 billion SMS text messages were sent from the U.S. alone last year, double the number from just a few years ago. I remember my first experience with text messaging. I was living in New Zealand in 2003 and dating a girl from Italy. She was beautiful, and delicate, and graceful in every way…except when sending text messages. We’re all familiar with that sound now—tiny plastic buttons popping off like rounds of an M-16—but back then it was jarring. Text messaging wasn’t so popular in the U.S.. Why doesn’t she just call? I thought.
Five years later. I have 547 “sent” messages in my cell phone.
So yes, text messaging is now a part of everyday life…and thus an undeniable part of “the game.” If you want to extend this game beyond the first inning (or second base), Chris, you’ll need to be at least a competent texter.
By all accounts I’m a disgrace as a text messager (if this were a grade school report card, I’d get an “N”…Needs Improvement…I rarely text people back and, when I do, it’s usually some sarcastic comment that comes off like an insult). And so I’ve asked a friend of mine, who we’ll call “Douche McGee”, to be our text-pert.
According to the Douche McGee School of Texting, what you’ll want to use is the Classic Goldilocks Model. That is, you don’t want to come off too hot, i.e. sending 300 text messages the night you meet. You also don’t want to be too cold…i.e. texting her at 2 a.m. three months after you met. What you want, ideally, is to be Lukewarm Sauce, that is, just warm enough to seem interested, to seem appetizing, but not too interested. Give her just enough to make you look forward to seeing you in person again.
Any single person under the age of 30 will be familiar with this game—and game is an apt metaphor because someone always seems to be winning and losing.
It’s fucking annoying, if you ask me.
But I’m single - which speaks for itself - and probably eyeing up the same girl at the bar, so don’t take it from me.
For those who’re annoyed by texting the way I am, there’s a different game you can play that subverts and mocks the original. I call it “Sexting.” Sexting was invented by a friend of mine in New York City who, fed up with all the games that come along with text messaging, simply began texting “SEX?” so as to cut to the chase (rather, to cut out the chase and skip directly to the prize in the box.)
Predictably, the Sex-Question-Mark method has a 0% rate of P.P. (Poon Production). One funny thing to do if you’re drunk is to take one of your buddies’ cell phones and text “SEX?” to the first female name you see on the contact list. This has made for some very, very funny nights out at the bar…and besides, it’s interesting to see how girls react, even if you’re the one on the hook for it.
Call it a social experiment.
*
In the end, it’s on you to navigate the balance of When-to-Text/When-to-Call. Just do what seems right. Don’t force it. There will be times when you “win” the text battle and times when you “lose.” And eventually none of it will matter.
It may be fun to occasionally subvert her expectations…maybe send her flowers with a note….or just show up at her door…or, in certain cases, send her a good old fashioned U.S. Postal Service letter. (I’ve done all three, but they’re exceptions to the rule, and you risk coming off like a weirdo.)
In most cases, however, you must obey the rule. And that means to win her heart you’ll need to use all assets at your disposal…your fingers and your tongue…and use them in a way that keeps her interested for more than two minutes. Otherwise she’ll invest in more effective technologies…and you’ll be staring at your phone, wondering why it’s not ringing.
