How to Win Her Heart…with Your Fingers (Pt. 1)
By Bianca Porter | July 25, 2008
Category: Sex and the Illy
Dear Sex and the ILLY,
Was out at happy hour at Midtown Continental earlier this week and got a girl’s phone number. She’s hot, and seems cool. The guys in Swingers say wait a week to call, but that seems dated. Now that texting is so popular…what are the expectations, and the best course of action (presuming I like her)?
Chris, Fairmount
Bianca: Ahhhh so the issue of texting finally surfaces, I knew it was only a matter of time. The rules and boundaries of texting are often blurry but I will do my best to clear the air so we got nothin but blue skies ahead.
Personally, my own opinion of texting has changed over the past two years or so. At first I was completely opposed to the idea. I thought of it as almost rude whether it was a guy or even one of my girlfriends when I got a text I would think to myself “What you don’t even have time to call me so you expect me to play finger tango to answer your question? Hellls no.” And often I wouldn’t respond to a text for 2 or 3 days. Now, I find myself texting more and more and more and more it is almost second nature, sometime don’t even have to look at the phone to type out my words (that’s scary) – however, we must differentiate when it’s kosher and when it’s going to be read into as a bad sign.
When a guy and a gal first meet, it is always a toss up as to when the guy is going to call. Most girls will not call the guy first, and they shouldn’t have to. Whether it is 1908 or 2008 the man should still make the effort to pursue the lady until you have reached the comfort of an official relationship and then it’s even flow. Most guys wait an average of two days to call after they score digits and this, for the most part, is both accepted and expected. What is even more acceptable is if a guy texts the girl first before calling just to say “hey it was nice meeting you” and/or “when is a good time to call” – something along those lines. This is where texting can help a brotha out because he won’t seem overzealous but still polite and showing interest.
There always should be some element of mystery, something left to be desired, so you never want to go overboard showing your interest by too many texts or phonecalls – but enough to keep her interested and wanting some more. After the polite opener text, you can call shortly after that – and I would say keep it light depending on how interested she may seem. Communication is key here: just ask her, when can I call you again or say to her you can call me whenever you want blah blah blah and then the communication pattern will play itself out.
For those of you who didn’t get what I was just explaining, I’ll break it down for the simpletons. When you first meet a girl, you obviously want to get to know her and see if you are compatible. You are not going to get to know someone through texting, in fact you might get the completely wrong impression of someone if your communication solely relies on texts. For example - my little brother, 23, told me that his now girlfriend of two years texted him after they had only hooked up once or twice at about 2am and she was obviously drunk saying things she normally wouldn’t have said. Because he didn’t know her that well, he told me he considered cutting it off that night because he didn’t want to start a relationship with a girl like that because who knows who else she was drunk texting at 2am or what kind of girl she was. Luckily for her, he’s a great guy and communicated his concern and once he got to know her he realized that wasn’t her real style. In addition to that, it is really hard to interpret someone’s tone through texting – sometimes humor and sarcasm can come across as being plain mean or rude. Remember, you’re awesome so you want to make sure the girl knows this from the beginning – texting will only delay that.
Now, here’s a lil somethin somethin to spice things up for ya - you can also mix the texting in with the phone calls! Aiiiyyyaaaiiiyyyaaaiiiyyyooooo (that was my tequila cat call). During the day if you’re thinking about her – shoot her a text, if she is thinking about you too she’ll hit you back and I promise this will only speed things up for you two in a good way. Keep in mind the whole leaving something to be desired… if you are texting her all day in the beginning of a relationship, she may be thinking “Does this dude work or do anything other than play with his phone?” however if she is texting you back all day then that’s a different story (meaning you guys are both losers – just kidding!). I don’t think at any point in a relationship that it is cool to only text, no matter how convenient and quick it is. If you’re looking for a convenient quickie type situation then text away but if you are looking to make something of the situation you are in, aka further the relationship, then phone calls are much more respectful and respected. You’ll figure out how to balance out the two while not going overboard.
The whole idea of leaving something to the imagination is all part of the element of “the game” and unfortunately, no matter how old you are – it still exists. I remember my mom telling me that even after 30 years of marriage, “the game” still will rear its ugly little head. Crazy, huh? Even the old heads play games, but I suppose that’s how they keep it interesting. Stay tuned for future questions as I am sure we will be dedicating a whole article to (drum roll please) The Element of the Game.
Coming Monday: Jock offers the male perspective!
Dear Abby is Dead. Sex and Dating in a postmodern world.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Folks,
As normal guy, well as normal as one gets these days, I really believe if you text it shows nothing but fear of actually not being able to strike up a decent conversation with the woman in question. It really depends, are you only calling the girl to sleep with her or actually have a relationship, that big old C word, committment. Well I guess if your texting they haven’t dropped yet cause real guys don’t have to text, and its something for down the line in a relationship, you can text all thru the dating phase if needs be, but for a first date, call, for the love of god call. But listen I’m Irish, maybe I just have different morals than others but I know if I’d have texted my girlfriend regarding a date, well I’d still be single. And if you only got her number for sex well, I hope its a dud.
GM