It’s Miller Time! An Online Diary of the Most Entertaining U.S. Open Ever
By Jock | June 17, 2008
Category: National/Int'l News
So you’re a marginal golf fan, I know. You’ve played less than 10 rounds in your life. You think hooks are for fishing, slices are for eating. You think a threesome is a weekend activity that sometimes makes your worm burn. You couldn’t tell Rocco Mediate from the twitching, overcaffeinated homeless man you sat next to on the bus this morning and you refer to Phil Mickelson as “The Guy with the Man Boobs” (so do I). Take all that and it’s a pretty safe bet that you’ve never heard of Johnny Miller, the 1973 U.S. Open champion and current golf analyst for NBC sports.
But trust me, you know Johnny Miller.
Johnny Miller is the guy in your group of friends who always says what pops into his mind, no matter what. He’s the dude who says things like “whoa, that belly shirt was a terrrrrrrrrrible idea” to girls and “that is the dumbest fucking haircut I’ve ever seen” when everyone else is thinking it. Give a person like that a microphone and six hours with nothing to do but talk into it…and you have what we like to call in 2008 a “controversial media figure.”
I happen to like Johnny Miller. He’s the anti-Jim Nantz. I like to think about it this way: if both had been there to telecast the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, Jim Nantz would’ve spent an hour talking about what a great guy the captain was, how he came from a blue collar background (the son of a mill worker) and “oh, how beautiful, the bubbles, friends, like screams rising from the depths of the Atlantic…”, whereas Johnny Miller would’ve spent an hour talking about what a fucking idiot the guy was to hit the iceberg in the first place. “Good Lord, Rodge. Did he not see that giant iceberg there? What was he looking at? Was he drunk? I’m glad I wasn’t on that boat. That guy deserves to be dead. I’m glad he’s dead.”
Love or hate Miller, his comments usually make for good television (which is why NBC just locked him up to a long-term contract, despite nearly every player hating him). And so it was with great excitement that I sat down to watch the final round of the US Open this weekend.
445 PM – The Open is at Torry Pines this year (La Jolla, California…that’s la hoy-a, not la joll-a), meaning late tee times and, for the first time ever, a prime-time finish. This works great for my brother and I. Tiger’s just teeing off and we’ve already played a round for Father’s Day, done the barbecue thing, and have retreated home with a case of Manweiser to watch The Open. Over-under is set at 10 minutes for Johnny Miller to say something inflammatory. I’m betting my life on the under.
446 PM – Winner! As Rocco Mediate (Tiger’s main challenger)—a pudgy, neurotic, balding, likable 45-year-old man ranked 150-something in the world—walks up the second fairway, Miller interjects, “Rocco Mediate looks like the guy who cleans Tiger Woods’ swimming pool” to stunned silence from his co-announcers.
I say: “This is going to be a great day, I can already tell.”
And my brother nods along.
456 PM – Tiger just made a double on the first hole, making him +7 on the hole for the week. Wow. He’s already squandered his lead and **NEWS FLASH** he seems to be favoring his left knee! If not for the 600 hours of Sportscenter coverage documenting the injury I would’ve never noticed! We have set more odds:
Over/Under for left knee references: 9,000.
Odds Tiger Will be Compared to:
Willis Reed: 2-1
Michael Jordan in the NBA Finals with the flu: 3-1
Ben Hogan after his car crash at Merion: 5-1
I’m taking a flyer on the Curt Schilling with his Bloody Sock at 100-1. That knee is going to start bleeding through his pants any minute. I know it.
5:01 PM –We were just introduced to a European player called Camilo Vilegas. I really really wish there were a picture on the internet of the outfit he was wearing, but you can look at this one to get an idea, only imagine the pants being even tighter and everything being white but a bright green hat.
My brother and I spend the next 10 minutes trying to describe the way he looks. My final answer is Gay Milk Man…he says a Masters Caddie, with the all white jumpsuit and the green hat. We call it a draw.
Interlude
Best Commercial (by far) is the Nike ad with the Earl Woods voice-over. Watch this and tell me you don’t get goosebumps on Father’s Day.
Worst Commerical (by far) is the Lexus commercial where, inexplicably, they have Anika “The Machine” Sorenstam, Charles “Thin Man” Howell, Chi Chi Rodriguez and Raymond Floyd circling an inner-city parking garage. Really? That’s the best you can do, Lexus? Charles Howell eating a bagel? Who the fuck approves these ideas?
531 PM – Yes! Johnny Miller is apparently rubbing off on Dan Hicks, the NBC sports anchor. Gay Milk Man/Master’s Caddie Villegas came on screen again and Hicks said “Good Lord, looks like he’s ready to paint somebody’s house.” That’s it! A painter! Can’t believe I didn’t think of that!
542 PM – It’s becoming apparent that this is going to be a 3-man race: Woods, Mediate, and Lee Westwood, from England. Westwood is playing steady and not wilting under the pressure of playing with Tiger.
618 PM – My brother has been saying for years that Geoff Geary looks exactly like a Furby. It’ll be more fun if we do it this way.
Look at this one:
http://mlb.mlb.com/images/2006/09/28/ImMbRRss.jpg
Now look at this one:
http://mongols.blogspot.es/img/Furby.jpg
Identical, right? But how ’bout Lee Westwood.
http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00465/Lee_Westwood_465513a.jpg
Ehhh, maybe a distant cousin, but I say his ears don’t stick out enough.
637 PM – Is there any equivalent to the guy in golf telecasts who follows the players around, whispering things like: “That looks like a bad lie, Johnny, he may not be able to get it up”? It’s kind of creepy, and almost always has sexual overtones. I keep expecting Roger Maltby to say “Yeah, baby, yeah, you like that, mmm, you know you like that, ohhh, yeah.”
Let’s move on.
715 PM – Mediate just missed a 4-footer for birdie that would’ve given him the lead by two. It would be hard to describe to you how fidgety Mediate is, other than to say he looks as if he just drank 175 iced coffees and has to pee really really badly. If this thing goes to a playoff, I have a suggestion for breakfast tomorrow:
723 PM – Unbelievable turn of events! Westwood just hit a three wood 70 yards left, down a cliff, into something called “the ice plant.” He’s toast. Less than a minute later, Tiger hits his 3-wood even farther left, prompting Miller to yell: “Double ice plant!” and my brother to yell “Double turds!” literally 1/1,000,000 of a second after him, and 1/1,000,000 before I do.
(If you don’t get that joke, go watch Caddyshack 100 times as your punishment.)
746 PM – Miller just said: “Remember folks, Tiger’s hurt. It’s like running the last few laps of Nascar on a flat tire. Appreciate what you’re watching.” Touchee.
8-something – Here’s the deal: Mediate’s in the clubhouse, up one. Tiger and Westwood are playing 18, tied. Westwood hits to 25 feet and misses the putt—he’s out. Tiger just hit an amazing wedge out of the rough to 10 feet. This being 2008, let’s go to the internet video:
A Day Later - So here I am, and Tiger just beat Rocco on the first hole of sudden death. I have to say, that was one of the best golf tournaments I’ve seen in a long time. It had everything you could want: the improbable underdog (Mediate…although am I the only one who finds it suspicious that he has 3 kids and they were only mentioned once the entire telecast…on FATHER’S DAY weekend? Jim Nantz would’ve never let this happen. I’m willing to believe in “Rocco the great guy” - really, I am - but still, it’s a little weird); and the wounded titan (who, by the way, disclosed to Maltby after the round that he’d taken ‘a little something’ for the pain) chasing history.
So that’s it for the 108th U.S. Open at Torry Pines. Yes, it’s still golf, but you have to admit: it was fun, it was tense, it was thrilling…even for you, marginal golf fan.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:21 am
” I like to think about it this way: if both had been there to telecast the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, Jim Nantz would’ve spent an hour talking about what a great guy the captain was, how he came from a blue collar background (the son of a mill worker) and “oh, how beautiful, the bubbles, friends, like screams rising from the depths of the Atlantic…”, whereas Johnny Miller would’ve spent an hour talking about what a fucking idiot the guy was to hit the iceberg in the first place.”
that says it. i watched on sunday with 8 people - 4 loved him, 4 couldn’t stand him. i dont usually enjoy golf all that much, but tiger, wow.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Best open ever. One striking painful moment to be acknowledged was old man boobs lefty Phil M. ’s valiant attempt at chipping. I know from personal experience that a good chip is worth at least 15 strokes per round but he made me look like Tiger. The key to a good flop shot is a big full swing on a nice fluffy lie. Mine usually goes about 85 yards into the next fairway. Mad Cow. Denny Crane.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Completely off topic with a slight connection- Did you know Matthew McConahay’s Brother, who was named Rooster, had the balls to name his kid Miller Lyte (I think the y is to avoid copyright infringement). What large balls that guy must have starting his kid’s life off with a guarentee to be an alcoholic. More people should name their kids after their favorite beer… Here meet my kid Steel Reserve… he’s gonna f your daughter. or Natural Ice- born to pimp. Possibilities are endless. And a tie-in: Rooster uses his brother to get tee-times at the local 18, except he only says his brother is in town and wants to play- and then shows up with their other brother. Sounds like Rooster is real smart dude.