How To Approach a Girl at a Bar Without Coming Off Like a Total Douchebag
By Bianca Porter | June 13, 2008
Category: Sex and the Illy
So guys…you know how we say “Let’s go out and meet some chicks”…and then you get to the bar, order beers, stand in a group of 6 in the corner, stare at girls, occasionally nudge each other and say “damn, that chick’s hot”, order some more beers, tell inside jokes, order more beers, and eventually go home…alone? If that just described your past 47 weekends, Bianca Porter is here to flick you in that fleshy patch where your nuts used to be.
Bianca: “See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m cute.” This is my favorite pick up line. Ah, but there are so many that are just not going to work. “You’re like a prize winning fish. I dont know whether to eat you or mount you.” WRONG ANSWER! The last thing you want to do is offend a gal from the get-go. A lady always wants to be treated like a lady, unless she’s a tramp then you can use this one: “Nice shoes, wanna F%#K?”
When it comes to the success of approaching a girl, using a pick up line totally depends upon your style. The key is being honest about the fact that you noticed her (you do not have to drown her with compliments but a subtle you caught my eye will work b/c every girl wants to know they’re desirable) and you wanted to approach her and you used that line just to start up the conversation/ get her attention. Now, in order to keep her from walking away by keeping her attention you have to act/ speak quickly to begin getting to know her, the longer you hesitate the greater the potential for awkwardness – so act chill.
Here are the three things that will play the biggest parts in a successful approach (whether in a bar, walking down the street, or even at work):
#1 NUMERO UNO – SHE MUST FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE. If she doesn’t – no matter how cool you are – she’s probably not going to stick around to chat. In this case, nothing I write will apply. Hate to say it, but if you’re fugly, those are the breaks.
#2 CONFIDENCE, NOT OVERCONFIDENCE. You want to come across as being comfortable with yourself and others, not as a total douchebag. Unfortunately, I can not write enough or really anything that will teach you how to not be socially inept. If you are a social retard, consider volunteering at a nursing home so you can practice shooting the shit with some old heads. They love to chat and I guarantee they can teach you a thing or two about life. I totally enjoy sitting and learning from my patient’s wisdom, maybe that’s part of the reason I am so smart!
#3. MAKE HER LAUGH. Wittiness usually suggests intelligence so you can show her you got something going on upstairs without having to display your transcript GPA. If you are (how do I say this nicely?) a stupid schmuck – at least try to hide it. Who doesn’t enjoy being entertained? Every girl loves a boy who can put a stitch in her side if you know what I’m saying.
I can’t teach you how to be funny or interesting – so if you are none of the above, hopefully you are at least easy on the eyes. If you can’t check off any of the three boxes, you are shit outta luck brotha. Stick to your hand and start considering online dating. Speaking of online dating, stay tuned for next week’s column as we will discuss our thoughts and feelings on this new age form of meeting your match.
PS – buying a drink for a girl is always a good idea and make sure you are nice to her friends because even if you’re hot and confident and funny, if you don’t win over the girls, you don’t stand a chance.
What’s your favorite pick-up line? You may share your best lines and stories below.
June 13th, 2008 at 11:27 am
“Wanna play Pearl Harbor?….Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.”
June 13th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
You: Excuse me, [insert name here]?
Her: Yes? What is it?
You: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
Her: Excuse me?
You: [struggling] The… party. With the… with the pants. Party with pants?
Her: Are you saying that there’s a party in your pants and that I’m invited?
You: That’s it.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Hi. You don’t swet much for a fat girl. What ! I like chubby. Chubby is goooooood.Denny Crane. Mad Cow.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:56 am
Freaking hilarious. Guys, do what this gal says. Please. For the sake of women everywhere.
And if you see a lady watching a sporting event on the TV above you, feel free to buy her a drink. Just don’t try to have deep conversation if she’s actually watching the game. Impressed though you may be by her sports prowess, she’s obviously there for the sporting event. Unless your cute. Then we’re willing to make an exception. ;0)
June 23rd, 2008 at 7:18 pm
I was recently approached, handed a dollar bill, and told that it was a prize for being, “Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous.” Notably, I had just taken a 12 block ride in a cab w/ no AC in 90 degree heat and was certainly NOT looking gorgeous, so I was already seriously questionning this dude’s honesty (oh okay, sobriety) level.
I was a little too shocked at the time to laugh, but the advance did make several of the people surrounding us chuckle… does that count for criterion #3? Sadly though, criterion #1 was violated and like Bianca said, this nipped the whole effort in the bud.
If you are reading this, dollar-giver-outer-man, I thank you. You officially reimbursed me for 1/2 of my can of PBR, although enough to buy another one may have helped a bit with that first requirement…