Frozen Mullet- Stanley Cup Edition
By Lonnie McKenzie | June 11, 2008
Category: The Frozen Mullet
I know everyone out there in Hockey-land (the imaginary place where you see more hockey highlights than basketball highlights on Sportscenter) knows that Malkin and Crosby were completely out-matched on the biggest stage in the NHL; however, there are actually players and coaches that deserve to be ridiculed for their actions before, during, and after the Cup was handed over to Nick Lidstrom by a frazzled, almost ill-looking Gary Bettman (I hope he is not seriously ill, but was trying to control his premature ejaculation from being so close to something as coveted as Lord Stanley’s Cup). Let’s talk about those who shat the bed over the past few days, weeks, and months; and for their efforts we can drop steaming hot piles of poo, delivered like Sicilian messages, right on the pillow next to them while they sleep.
Dominik Hasek- First up, we have something that started in the first round but ended a week after the ceremonious cup-lifting in the Igloo. The Dominator gets pulled in the first round of playoffs and his team goes on to win Stanley Cup. Great decision- Mike Babcock. Excuse me while we change Hasek’s nickname from Dominator to Dominated. Get ready to join the long line of goalies who will broadcast games for Versus next year, adding nothing more intelligent than Uni-brow Vanbiesbrook and Doc “euthanise-me” Emerick. Dominick Hasek’s hall of fame career ended on the bench cause hecouldn’t cut it in the spotlight. Thanks for sharing the load during the regular season, we know you’re a Hall of Fame caliber goalie, now grab some pine and watch us win without you.
Michel Therien- Bitching and moaning throughout the playoffs, and especially during the Cup, even when the Pens got more than their fair share of calls for Crosby and Malkin. He acts like he is the least likely to get calls to go his way. If you were a ref would you give this guy any help? 2 piles of poo for you, Michel- For not only having players who dive, but for bitching so much that the Refs might actually dislike you enough not to make those calls. You made lots of excuses for your team, but never found a way to convince them they could win. Here’s a little tidbit that they might not have taught you in Montreal Coaching School- Excuses are like assholes, everyones’ got ‘em and they all stink. and so does this pile of shit on your pillow. No bonus points for looking like Vigo from Ghostbusters 2, either.
Three Cleveland Steamers for our final award winner at the end of the 07-08 Mullet Season: Chris Chelios. I know that might confuse some of you- past captain on the US National team in four separate Olympics, captain of the 2004 US team in the World Cup of Hockey, long time bad-ass for the Blackhawks, Canadiens, and finishing up a distinguished career in Detroit- how can this guy be getting three piles of chocolate swirl? Here are three reasons.
Last year at Cheli’s Chili Bar in Detroit, two of Chelios’ employees were stabbed to death by a disgruntled bus-boy. Strike One. Then, this year, at 46 Chelios plays in the first three rounds of the playoffs, only to be benched for the final stretch. He gets hung up like Hasek, but comes flying out on the ice, skates on, jersey on, probably some pads just to make himself think he played, and celebrates like he scored the game winner. Strike two. Lastly, back at Cheli’s Chili Bar this week, the Stanley Cup makes an appearance for the Detroit faithful. And in this black-hole for bad karma, what happens … You fucking idiot. Strike three. Way to end a great career. Damaging the most respected, revered, sought after, exclusive trophy in sports. I hope you messed up your own name, it was already on there twice. If you needed a sign to hang em up, that was it. You can’t hang anymore old timer. You can hang around, but you shouldn’t lace em up anymore. Here are three piles of shit to remind you that the good times are over. Get ready for Depends and Aspercreme.
That’s all right now folks. I can’t bring myself to give awards to any of the Red Wings players that won, or the Penguins players that lost. Mostly because I hate them all for being there. A hearty hand shake should be extended for Mike Babcock- Coached a team with more talent than maybe any team ever, got them to play defense harder than they play offense somehow, and kept them focused for the entire campaign (may be more difficult than what Stevens did in Philly- future discussion topic). Marc Andre-Fleury also deserves a few reach-arounds for making people overlook how bad Crosby and Malkin were playing by making countless saves against a stacked offense. Not bad for a 23 year old kid who is nicknamed “Flower”. That’s it for congratulatory remarks. The Red Wings were the team that got the job done; everyone else needs to hit the gym, drawing board, and European markets for players that can handle and skate like the newest Red Army.
Until next time… Keep your mullet clean and don’t forget to muck and grind in the corners of life.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:21 am
when chelios was skating around on the ice like he’d just won the conn smythe i wish i coulda thrown one of those piles of poo at his head. great career, chris, but, for all reasons listed above, hit the road, and maybe hire some security at your chili bar you negligent dirtbag.
flyers need: 2 defensemen, another center, at least, and we’re there in 08-09.
June 12th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Center might not be necessary if you have faith in Gagne’s return and ability to make Danny Briere a constant threat. Gagne, Briere, Hartnell could be a killer first line, but I think the Richards line could use a finesse/speed guy to break-out (I’m thinking Upshall-plus-hands). Defense is gonna be key. They need to cut some dead weight (I’m looking at you Hatch) and start looking for more guys like Mike Green in Washington and Brian Campbell in San Jose. The Flyers really don’t have a defensive scoring threat, if you don’t count Coburn’s power play tallies in the regular season. They might be able to scrap with the East, but defense is the key to beating a team like Detroit.
June 12th, 2008 at 8:49 am
i agree that defense is the key, but i dont really know that anyone’s out there, at least free agent-wise. could be slim pickins. hopefully homer has something up his sleeve (like the .22 caliber he used to extort nashville last summer)
June 12th, 2008 at 9:21 am
gagne may well have a skull full of oatmeal at this point, so let’s all cross our fingers, toes, and eyes hoping he comes back full strength.
two names to keep an eye on: Claude Giroux and James vanRiemsdyk.
Giroux had a staggering 51 points in 19 games this year in the QMJHL playoffs. here is one scout’s analysis of him:
“Giroux’s greatest talent is his playmaking ability. Boasting excellent hands and great vision, the diminutive winger is able to use his quick skating ability to turn something out of nothing. Giroux, despite his size disadvantage, does not mind getting his nose dirty, and will stand in to take a hit in order to make a play. He does get bodied often, but the shifty winger is agile enough to avoid checks on a regular basis.
Future
Giroux’s size may have been a hindrance in the old NHL, however, he appears to be a prototypical product for the net NHL, with blazing speed and dynamite skill. He has the potential to be a first-line winger.”
vanRiemsdyk (astonishingly, with a name like that, he’s American) is the guy we picked up with the #2 pick last year. i don’t know as much about him but supposedly he’s also a stud.
June 12th, 2008 at 9:41 am
vanRiemsdyk is a stud. Playing at UNH right now, tearing it up. Led the 2007 World Juniors Tournament in points (5g, 6a). Soon to be the best NHL player out of Dirty Jerz since Jim Dowd. Has the skill and speed to play with the new generation. Give him and Giroux a few years to mature- maybe see Giroux get his feet wet in 08-09 if injuries effect the Flyers roster. Been a long time since both the present and future of the organization look bright. Homer gets lots of credit, and so does Schultz who fired himself to become a scout.
June 13th, 2008 at 9:07 am
I guess Chelios isn’t taking my advice.. He supposedly had some minor arthroscopic knee surgery to clean out some fluid so he can begin training for next season in a few weeks. Good to know that there might be one soft spot in that Detroit defense.