5 New Curses Upon the City of Boston
By Brett Smith | June 16, 2008
Category: National/Int'l News
With so many successes visited upon Boston teams lately, I think it’s time to institute a new generation of curses. I suggest this, not just as a matter of recourse, but also to ensure that I never have to sit through another “my-team-is-better-than-yours” spiel from an idiot like this:
What follows are my 5 Boston curses:
#5 Curse of the Mandible
That enormous chin is actually Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis. I’m not sure how someone with such disproportionate facial features became a pro-baseball player, but I’m pretty sure a deal with this guy was involved. For that, and for Youk’s utterly irrational decision to shave, I wish upon the Sox, the Curse of the Mandible.
May they take one on the chin for years to come.
#4 Curse of the Misnomer
Apparently the holier-than-thou attitude exhibited by Boston fans comes from more than just their recent successes. Going back to 1924, General Manager Art Ross decided to name his new hockey team…the Bruins. A bruin, simply put, is a bear. Not surprisingly, the common name isn’t good enough for Boston. For this, I wish upon the Bruins the Curse of the Misnomer. May they continue to lose for years to come to the team that literally knows how to bestow a name: The Montreal Canadians.
#3 Curse of the Trilogy
Groups of 3 might start out good, but usually they find their way to the shitter. Do The Matrix, Mission Impossible, and The Addams Family ring a bell? For calling themselves the Big 3, I wish upon the Celtics the Curse of the Trilogy.
# 2 Curse of the Tea Party
To the city as a whole…
For having a tea party and not inviting this guy, I wish upon Boston the Curse of the Tea Party.
#1 The Curse of 17
The number 17 is not often considered lucky. In fact, here in America it’s been pretty unlucky: 1917 marked the beginning of our involvement in WWI as well as the death of consummate American Buffalo Bill Cody; 17 is also an Eisenstein prime with no imaginary part (sounds communist to me). So where’s the curse? Well, what does 18-1 equal? For losing when it counts, I wish upon the Patriots the un-American Curse of 17.
What curse do you wish upon Boston?
June 16th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I wish upon them (the guy in the opening video especially) the Curse of Good Will Hunting, which involves a belt, a stick, a wrench, a choice, multiple cigarette burns, an homo-erotic shoulder rub from Robin Williams, a chubby English broad, an apple on your head, and a bow and arrow.
And the Curse of the Irish upon Tom Brady.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Keep “wishing upon” while we just keep winning.
Philadelphia smells and its sports teams stink, as exhibited here.
http://www.phillysucks.com/
June 16th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I have wished horrible things on Boston, and much of New England for years.. But most of all, I wish upon them the EA Sports Curse for every sport all at once- Let them win it all this year, put Brady, the Big Three, Manny, and anyone who wants to represent the B’s, all on the covers of next years games (Madden, NBA, MLB2K9, NHL) so they can all suffer terrible seasons and hopefully career ending injuries. And for the rest of Boston- I got my fingers crossed for the Plague or maybe locusts.
June 16th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
18-1.
OOH that one stings doesn’t it.
its amazing what happens when you don’t videotape the opposing defense.
and don’t worry, MAMBA is gonna do what the accursed GMen did, whats never been done in NBA finals history, and give boston another punch right in the mouth. Boston’s little hit parade is over.
SUCK IT BOSTON
June 16th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
I want the old curse back. May they never win again.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:36 am
I wish upon them the curse of the bean. As we all know, Boston is known as “bean-town”. Why? I have no idea. But what do we know about beans? Beans are the musical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot. Beans are also good for you heart, however the more you eat the more you fart. But what most people don’t know about beans is that they are the food of chance, cause when you eat them, you may shit your pants. So the curse I bestow on Boston is many heart-filled years of flatulent, smelly, brown, skid-marked moments in and out of sports.