The Frozen Mullet - Playoff Edition II
By Lonnie McKenzie | May 6, 2008
Category: The Frozen Mullet
Hello, hockey fans, and welcome to the second installment of The Frozen Mullet’s Playoff Update- guaranteed to grab you by the short and curlies and smash you face first into the dasher circa Claude Lemieux (’96).
As things would have it, this rivalry was briefly renewed last week but nobody died and Detroit won without really breaking a sweat. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I really have not slept for longer than 9 seconds at a time due to all of the excitement from the first and second rounds. Let’s look at some of the best stories of the playoffs so far, and of course ridicule those that shit the bed when they had their shot at the cup… I’m looking at you Peter Forsberg. You had a chance to come be a part of something special in Philadelphia, and now the lunatics in orange are breathing a sigh of relief that your injuries didn’t become their problem for a second time. You’re probably still the best player in the world, you just have Mary Lou Retton’s ankle and a groin that gets pulled more than Crosby’s needledick on NBC. Sorry, got a little side-tracked. On to the important stuff…
First up, for any of you who have been living under a rock, at the bottom of the ocean, on a different planet, and you don’t know what has happened up to this point, here is brief recap: In the east, we saw Flyers take a 3-1 lead against Alexander Ovechkin and some team called the Capitals. Things got a little hairy for the Flyers but they dug deep and found a way past the Caps on a game 7 winner from Joffrey Lupul. Volumes could be written about this series- the diving, terrible officiating, great goaltending from Marty Biron, etc- but we don’t have that kinda time. The Rangers continued their dominance of the Devils, with the help of the most annoying player in the NHL, Sean Avery. After winning their series easily, the Rangers had to play the Penguins, who had a couple scrimmages in the first round and were fresh for the match-up. Martin Brodeur was so mad at Sean Avery for doing his best impression of this guy that he slipped a razor into Avery’s Crusty-O’s and lascerated his spleen for the series against the Pens; and without their agitator the Rangers fell in five games.
We have to give special appreciation for the effort put out by the Bruins. These guys really bought into the fact that you can play terrible hockey for three games and still make a series interesting. No one, and I mean no one, not even in Boston, gave this group of rags a chance in hell at beating Montreal in the first round. And up until game 4 it looked like everyone was right. Then this team decided it wasn’t ready to play golf. They wanted to play three and a half more games of playoff caliber hockey against a team that was blatantly better than them. In the end, the Habs began to realize their young all-star goalie was a bit rattled under the big lights of the playoffs (more on that later) and started countering the Bruins rough and ugly style with fast skating and unstoppable skill on offense. Still, my hat goes off to you, Vladimir Svobotka, Petteri Nokelainen, and David Krejci, because now I know you play professional hockey, and you’re not some random Euro who won a contest to play for the Bruins for a night. You lost, and that sucks, but at least you made it interesting.
Next up, we have one of the most exciting lopsided series that this reporter has ever seen. The Flyers never really gave the Canadiens a chance, even though the NHL gods seemed to be handing the Habs enough chances to take control of the series, the hard work of the orange and black, and the absolutely dominant performance of Marty Biron, had the hard-to-pronounce French Canadiens and eastern europeans holding on too tight. The Canadiens tip-toed through the tulips trying to find ways to beat Marty, while RJ Umberger-in-Paradise, Scottie Upshall, and Co. peppered Biron’s counterpart, Carey Price. Price pre-pubescent Price would have needed 3 gloves to stop the Flyers from chasing him out of the starting role, in favor of a veteran presence between the pipes. 22 year old Jaroslav Halak stepped in and saw much of the same from the Flyers. At least Halak doesn’t have Garth Brooks on his bucket. Price looked like the least straight person to ever play in the NHL. Even Garth Brooks thinks that’s gay. The Stanley Cup would self-destruct if they attempted to ever put your name on it.
Another interesting part of this series- throughout the second round, Andrei & Sergei Kostitsyn gave the Flyers and the announcers some confusion on how to pronounce their names and why they look so fruity. For everyone at home, here is a little bio on the brothers- Properly pronounced I’m-gay and Sure-gay Cum-skeet-stain, these two Belarusian brothers have quite the backstory. You may even be aware of it, though you probably don’t know how. You remember the episode of Seifeld about Rochelle, Rochelle? Well, Rochelle Rochelle was I’m-Gay and Sure-Gay’s mother… A young girl who followed her heart on a erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. It was there in Minsk where Rochelle’s life would change forever. The people of Belarus thought Rochelle and her friends were the sexiest women alive, and they saw many suitors. Rochelle never let anyone bang her, but she gave the best reach-around in town. Turns out she got pregnant from her soggy sheets and gave birth to young Sergei. Knowing the world would not accept him with the last name of a whore, she changed his last name to Cum-skeet-stain with a Belarusian twist- Kostitsyn. See, now you can fill your friends in on the family history of the two most illegitimate children ever to play professional hockey. And this explains why the brothers went elephant-walking down St. Catherine Street after bangin $2 (Canadian- thats almost 4 bucks U.S.) tranny-whores on St. Catherine Street and borded a plane for home. Mom’s waiting with her friends.
And in the Western Conference- Detroit Wins. None of the other games really matter because Detroit doesn’t really look beatable. They dropped two to Nashville in the first round, but that was a favor for Gary Bettman who swore hockey was big in the home of the Grand Ole Opry. Carey Price and the Predators are destined to suck.. together.. forever. Great idea dipshit. Anyway, Detroit wiped the ice with the Avs while the Sharks dropped to the Stars, crushing Barry Melrose’s pick for Stanley Cup Champion and hopefully convincing him to stop the charade, you suck at everything Barry. Meet me in Mooseknuckle and I’ll put you out of your misery.
Thats all I can handle right now. Umberger-in-Paradise just called and he still thinks it’s his 26th birthday. Don’t worry, I told him to bring Cote with him in case we see anyone in a Pittsburg jersey. Stay tuned for the Conference Final preview, later this week.
Lonnie McKenzie is Phillyjock’s senior hockey correspondent. Previously, he was an editor for the Ice Fishing Inquirer and hockey analyst for Good Morning, Mooseknuckle! on ESPN-eh? (ESPN’s all Canadian sports affiliate).