Does Size Really Matter to a Girl?
By Jock | May 30, 2008
Category: Sex and the Illy
Dear Abby is dead. The rules for dating & sex that our parents and grandparents abided by are obsolete. Every Friday Jock Trotter and Bianca Porter will debate the “rules” for dating in the 21st century. You may email your questions to sexandtheilly@gmail.com.
Does size matter to a girl anymore, or have we busted that myth?
Tim, Jersey
Jock: I won’t say much here, because I think we’re all curious to hear what Bianca has to say. Briefly, though, I will throw in my two inches. First of all, if you have made it through life this far and still don’t know what a penis looks like, here is a quick diagram for you:
Thank you, John Madden.
Now then, there are a lot of facts out there, but only one that matters: the average American male penis is 3.4 to 3.7 inches (flaccid) and 5.1 to 5.7 (erect). That varies slightly from country to country, with Korea being the smallest (2.7/3.7).
Thus, my advice, Tim, is that if you’re really insecure head to Korea, or over to England, where they use the metric system.
Bianca: Even though you, I, and every other lay person/ non-amoeba in America knows the answer to this question, I will give you an explicit and descriptive answer anyway. FUCK YEAH. Now, for all you “Tiny Tims” out there, don’t fret, there is hope for a successful sexual future for you too! As long as you move out of your parents house, aren’t addicted to video games, don’t wear a paper hat to work, have decent hygiene, a bit of intelligence and wit, and don’t look like Nick Nolte after a night of Irish car bombs – there is a good chance you will be able to lure some honey into your bedroom. Keeping that honey coming back to your bedroom is a totally different story, however.
If you want to keep a woman around, you have to keep her satisfied – preferably 3-5 times per day, please. Thank you. I guess I am not exactly being conservative, but the general truth is that women usually are not one and done, so it isn’t just the size that matters. I suppose we can save the stamina and style chat for another rainy day, I am getting a little ahead of myself.
Let’s keep our heads on straight and continue to move upward and onward, as we speak of your mast and have a little lesson about sailing, shall we? The mast of a sailing ship is a tall vertical pole, the size and configuration depending on the style of ship. In case you are not catching on, the mast is your penis, dumbass. Here we go.
The Main-mast - the tallest mast, usually located near the center of the ship. I dated a guy who was overly confident due to his main mast because it was about 11 inches long. Personally, I never measured, but I do not doubt that he did. Daily.
The problem here was that although this mast was very tall, my ship continually sank because it felt like my hull was being stabbed. Iceberg! Straight ahead! I won’t go into to much detail as this is not a porn article, however, having a tall mast is not necessarily ideal, so don’t go waving it around with too much pride or you will end up with an empty bed and a rash that ain’t gonna go away with a lil hydro cortisone. Needless to say, I deep-sixed his sorry ass.
Mizzen-mast - the mast immediately aft of the main-mast. Typically shorter. Often times, or most of the time, girth goes a long way in comparison to length. This is the one instance in life where shorter and stumpy is a great thing! Being stumpy aka thick causes more vaginal satisfaction because the extra girth increases the friction and pressure on the vagina walls which are packed with ‘touch sensitive’ nerves.
Jigger-mast - it is smallest of masts. Here is the issue, jigga: if you are so small that your girl cannot even feel you inside of her, then you are not going to be able to satisfy her by having sex. Ever. Hopefully you can find a girl who is really into oral sex or using toys or some sort of alternate method for pleasure. On the positive side, even if you are so small you need a roach clip to put a specially made elf condom on yourself, you still can find ways to please your girl.
Unfortunately for these ladies but fortunately for you, Tiny Tim, not every woman can have an orgasm from sex. I couldn’t imagine something worse for myself, but there are many women I know who have told me they absolutely have never been able to O during sex, so you need to somehow search high and low for this breed of chicks and mate with them. Together you can live happily ever after with your porn, strap ons, bullets and anal beads.
I have to close by saying that if you are having sex with a girl that you truly have a connection with and love, and she feels the same, your size truly won’t matter. Especially if she is a virgin and doesn’t know any better. To sum up:
If you’re a jigger, find a virgin you can bada-bing,
If your a mizzen and you know how to work it you will make your girl sing,
And if you’re a main please watch where you’re pokin that thing,
we do have gag reflexes.
Bianca Porter, 26, grew up in South Philly and is a graduate of Villanova University. When not writing about sex, she works as a nurse at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital.
Jock Trotter, 26, holds a Masters of Creative Writing from the University of Auckland, New Zealand, and teaches at Temple University.
May 30th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
What if I am arready in Beijing for the Orympics? Where do asians go to find better size ratios? Midgetville, PA?
May 31st, 2008 at 11:22 am
is there any hope for the Vietnamese?
May 31st, 2008 at 12:08 pm
“even if you are so small you need a roach clip to put a specially made elf condom on yourself, you still can find ways to please your girl.”
too good.
i think i love you.