Live From the 2007 Eagles Halloween Party
By Jock | April 25, 2008
Category: Special Features
Phillyjock.com was granted exclusive media access to the 2007 Eagles Costume Party. Thinking of the fans, we went ahead and sent broadcasters Merrill Reese and Mike Quick down to the NovaCare complex for a report from the red carpet. Let’s send it down to them now. Merrill, Mike, take it away.
Merrill : Thanks, Jock Trotter, and hellllllllo, Philadelphia Eagles fans. It’s the 2007 Eagles Costume Party, and I don’t know about you, Mike Quick, but standing here on the red carpet, listening to all the screaming fans, I get the sense that something extraordinary is going to happen here tonight.
Mike : Right you are, Merrill. There hasn’t been this kind of excitement since Mike Mamula flashed his genitals at the 1997 Christmas Party. It’s going to be special.
Merrill : Yes, players have been filtering past for an hour or so. Just a moment ago Sean Considine turned up as a tackling dummy, and Greg Lewis followed behind as Edward Scissorhands with two footballs stabbed on the ends of the blades. Gotta love those guys.
Mike : Don’t forget about Winston Justice lingering by the door as a turnstile, either.
Merrill : You don’t miss much, Mike. Don’t look now, but here comes Big Jon Runyon. Welcome to the party, Jon. Tell us about your costume.
Jon : Hey, Merrill. Hey, Mike. As you can see, I decided to come as Sasquatch. It’s been a while since I’ve had my shoulders waxed, or my arms—or my entire torso, for that matter—so it didn’t take much effort. All I had to do was take my shirt off. Ha ha.
Mike : [laughing] Yeah. Maybe you can leave a few footprints on Winston Justice’s back when you go in.
Jon : [laughs] I wouldn’t be the first.
Merrill : No, you certainly would not. Well thanks for stopping by, Big Jon. Enjoy the party. Let’s now move onto two very special guests. Mr. Lurie, Mr. Banner, how are we tonight, gentlemen?
Jeff : Very well, thank you.
Joe : I, Joe-Ban-ner am do-ing ve-ry well, tha-nk y-ou.
Mike : Ha ha, look Merrill, he’s talking like he’s a robot. Ha ha, that’s great. Ha ha. I wonder if he dances too. Can you dance, Joe? Move your arm like this? Ha ha, what a great costume.
Merrill : [awkwardly] Um, no, Mike, Mr. Banner is dressed as a police officer. See? He’s just talking like he normally does.
Mike : Right. It’s easy to see why he identifies with so many of the fans in this city.
Merrill : Sure does. [turns to his left] So who are you, Mr. Lurie? You look a little pudgy around the waistline in that pinstriped suit, and perhaps even more smug than usual. If I were to venture a guess I’d say…John Madden?
Jeff : No, I am the owner of the New England Patriots, my idol, Bob Kraft! See all my Super Bowl rings?
Merrill : Yes, that should have given it away. Well, we won’t keep you long. You have a fantastic evening, gentlemen. And be sure to tell your wife to recycle all the invitations, Mr. Lurie.
Jeff : Oh, I will. We’ll throw it in the pile with Brian Westbrook’s paycheck.
Merrill : Good stuff. [notices red carpet is empty] Hey, while we have a minute here, Mike, I notice that you are wearing a red Phillies cap and windbreaker. Did you forget which team we were supposed to be covering? I know how you get disoriented.
Mike : [laughs] Not at all, Merrill. In fact, I am dressing as Phillies broadcaster Gary Matthews. Together, we are bringing coherence to a new level.
Merrill : So you are. [limo arrives] Hey, alright, looks like we have a few key members of the defensive line arriving together. Can you make out who that is?
Mike : Looks like someone’s wearing…a plaid shirt and a funny red wig?
Merrill : Uh huh. That must be Jevon Kearse as a ragdoll. I also see Darren Howard. Is he just wearing…his regular game uniform? He’s # 90, right?
Mike : Yes, I think so. Just another day pretending to be an NFL player for Darren Howard.
Merrill : Wait. Is there another entrance around the side? Where are they going?
Mike : No, no. You see, Merrill, it’s just like gameday. The front door is right here, so what they are going to do is swing around the outside of the crowd, WAY around the outside, on opposite sides of the street, then meet back here in the middle. It’s quite brilliant, really.
Merrill : I see. Well let’s not worry about them, then. Here we now have a couple of linebackers, Matt McCoy and Chris Gocong. I notice that you’ve bleached your hair, Matt. Are you supposed to be Eminem or something?
Matt : That’s a good guess, especially since neither of us has had a legitimate hit since 2005. But I’ll give you a hint: you’re on the right track with the music…
Merrill : I’m stumped. Totally stumped.
Matt : Come on, with these raggedy clothes and this out of tune banjo, I thought it was pretty clear that I was a Poor Man’s Dhani Jones!
Merrill : You’re right. Now I see it. I should have seen it all along. You even tripped over your own feet when you were coming up aisle.
Mike : Yes, and that face plant was the Matt Blatt Splat of the game, folks.
Merrill : [rolling eyes] And who are you, Chris Gocong? I see that unusual streak of red in your hair.
Chris : I’m not sure if you’ve seen it or not, but I actually have a resemblance to Rufio from the movie Hook.
Mike: Ru-fee-oooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [high fives Gocong]
Merrill : No, I’m sorry, I haven’t seen it. But actually I do recall Todd Pinkston coming as Tinkerbell a few years back. Listen, have a good time guys. Be sure to take the proper pursuit angles with the cheerleaders, too.
Chris & Matt : We will.
Merrill : Boy, Mike, we’re getting close to kickoff time for this Costume Party. Can you feel the excitement? Is there anyone absent you were really hoping to see tonight?
Mike : To be honest, I was kind of hoping to see what ideas Andy Reid came up with.
Merrill : [touches ear-piece] In fact, we’re just getting word from our producers that Coach Reid isn’t going to be able to make it this year.
Mike : He isn’t?
Merrill : No. He is having some time management issues.
Mike : Again?’
Merrill : Yes, again. But he has promised to put himself in a better position to get a costume next year.
Mike : That’s nice of him.
[suddenly, an SUV pulls up. Donovan McNabb emerges from the passenger's side with a school bag]
Donovan : Okay, Mom, thanks for the ride. [closes door] I’ll call you as soon as it’s over. Yes, I’ll be careful. Love you, too.
Merrill : Donovan McNabb! Glad you could make it! How are you tonight?
Donovan : I’m great, Merrill. And I’ll tell you this: I’m going to continue to put myself in a position to continue being great while continuing in there. I am the leader of this costume party, and will continue to be, continuously.
Merrill : I see. [makes jerk-off motion] I also see you have a large wooden plank sticking up from your back. Is that so Kevin Kolb won’t be peeking over your shoulder all night?
Donovan : No, Merrill, not at all. [makes funny face] [laughs] [becomes serious again] Actually this thing is a wooden stretcher. I was going to have a few guys carry me out on it later. What do you think?
Merrill : Oh, that’s a good idea. Very realistic. Do you anticipate you’ll be back later?
Donovan : I honestly don’t know. Maybe there will be other parties that will become involved. Maybe not. We’ll have to wait and see how it plays out.
Mike : If you do come back, though, you could just come back as a shadow of yourself.
Donovan : That’s not a bad thought.
Merrill : Okay, Donovan, you have a good time in there. Don’t drink too much and throw up.
Donovan : I won’t.
Merrill : Great. [sighs] Okay, well that will do it for us here from the red carpet, folks. Mike Quick, it’s been a pleasure, as always. You’re a real beam of light.
Mike : It’s been a blast, Merrill. You’re the best. Now let’s head inside and get some champagne before it’s all gone!
Merrill : They don’t serve champagne in this city, buddy.
Mike : You’re right. But we can have a good time anyway, can’t we?
Merrill : We sure can!