Kyle Korver Greeted in Utah with Showering of Oversized White Granny-Panties
By Jock | April 25, 2008
Category: Newswire (Fake News)
Salt Lake City —Just days after being traded to the Jazz, Aston Kutcher look-alike Kyle Korver has stirred up a swarm of sexual energy never before witnessed in the Beehive State .
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Miles Orville, a janitor at Energy Solutions Arena. “When [Korver] checks into the game, like 10,000 pairs of oversized, white granny panties come showering onto the court with phone numbers and myspace names written inside them. It’s like a Paul McCartney concert gone horribly, horribly wrong. I’m telling you, the pitch of the screaming is ear-splitting. It takes like twenty minutes to sweep them off the court. We haven’t seen this kind of sexual energy since the Greg Ostertag sex tapes were leaked.”
Orville added he believes Korver will soon shatter every known Polygamy record in state history.
“I’d say there are 800-900 women camped outside his hotel room right now,” he said. “He can have them all if he wants. Mark my words—by the time he’s done, Kyle Korver is going to make Wilt Chamberlain look like Steve Urkell.”
Meanwhile, the whereabouts of Korver’s “Little Black Book”—a treasure trove of beautiful women in the Philadelphia area—is still unknown.
It was initially believed that Korver donated the book to teammate Calvin Booth, who, due in part to his resemblance to Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter, has not been laid since the Ronald Reagan Administration.
However, that donation reportedly caused jealousy among teammates Andre Miller, who resembles Johnny Drama from Entourage , and Louis Admunson, who has been battling Lindsay Davenport jokes since the third grade.
“We can’t all look like Ashton Kutchar,” Admunson said.
Currently the hot rumor is that 76ers general manager Ed Stefanski kept the book himself, and is weighing an offer from Isiah Thomas, believed to be David Lee and 900,000 future 1st round draft choices.
