Drunk Eagles Tailgater Unaware Game Occurred
By Jock | April 25, 2008
Category: Newswire (Fake News)
While 67,000 fans crammed into Lincoln Financial Field to watch the Eagles obliterate the Detroit Lions yesterday, at least one dedicated tailgater, Fran Hopkins, 47, was passed out in the parking lot at FDR Park, completely unaware a football game was happening.
“Hop is the ultimate fan,” said his best friend, Chucky. “Let me tell you about this guy. He travels over five hours, from Virginia. He pays $150 for his ticket, $175 for a jersey, and at least $50 for gas. In fact, I’m pretty sure that Hop bases his entire year around this one football game. And then, when the opening kickoff is sailing through the air, where is Hop? Passed out under his own car. You really have to admire dedication like that.”
Witnesses report Hopkins, a 47-year-old custodial assistant, arrived in the parking lot at 4 am for a 1 pm kickoff. By ten, he was observed taunting a pregnant woman in the opposing team’s jersey. By eleven, he was harassing a pack of small children while urinating in his own trunk. And by kickoff, he was completely blacked-out.
“A lot of people bleed green,” said Chucky. “But how many throw up green?”
On a touching note, witnesses report that somewhere between noon and 1 pm Hopkins’ passion led him to reconnect with several of his ex-girlfriends via text message.