Dr. Chet Stephens: What Your Caddie Really Means
By Jock | April 27, 2008
Category: Dr. Chet Stephens
I was online last night in my cell (the prison has gone wireless), looking over some Peruvian real estate opportunities, having a nice glass of wine, just a normal kind of night, when I stumbled across a service called the Caddie Translator. This service takes in “what your caddy says” and translates it to “what he really means.” Below are some of the translations it spit out for me.
*Introductions:
What your caddy says: “Pleasure to meet you, sir.” [heavy bag]
What your caddy means: You’ve obviously never carried this bag in your entire life. I counted three umbrellas in here, four raincoats, two of extra shoes, 46,000 balls, and the decomposing bodies of your last four caddies. So you know, I would be hoping that you got hit in the head on the third tee and died…but then I’d have to carry you, too.
What your caddy says: “Pleasure to meet you, sir.” [light bag]
What your caddy means; I love this job. I am no longer angry about the six hours I just spent staring at my own balls in the caddyshack.
*On the First Tee
What your caddy says: “Good shot…sir.”
What your caddy means: “I have absolutely no idea what your name is even though you just told it to me ten seconds ago. Fortunately, I will now look at your bag tag, while you will have no idea what my name is until you collectively figure it out on the sixth tee.”
* During the Round
What your caddy says: “Long night? No, sir. I stayed in and watched Tin Cup.”
What your caddy means: Yes. Long night. In fact, I drank about 846 beers and woke up with a used condom stuck to my face (don’t ask). Consequently, I was late and am being punished with this loop because you are cheap.
What your caddy says:“Keep the putter cover on? No problem.”
What your caddy means: If you would also like me to cup your balls while you have lunch afterward, please ask. It’s not like I have anything better to do.
What your caddy says: “What you see here?” [crouched behind golfer on green]
What your caddy means: I have absolutely no idea what this putt is going to do. None whatsoever. It could start rolling, sprout legs, and throw itself in the creek and I would not be surprised.
Followed by:
What your caddy says: “Yep. I like that.”
What your caddy means: Don’t blame me.
Three holes later:
What your caddy says: “Two cups, left to right. Firm.”
What your caddy means; Again. Not a clue. I was hoping you’d stop asking me by now. Please stop asking me.
What your caddy says:“You’ll get nothing and like it!”
What your caddy means: For the past 9 holes I’ve responded to your inane questions using only quotes from the movie Caddyshack. And by the way, hey, you, pick up that blood!
What your caddy says: “Can I take your bags to the car, sir?”
What your caddy means: Let’s play a little game called: Just The Tip. Just a few dollars, out of your wallet, just to see how it feels. Nothing crazy.
* When It’s Over
What your caddy says:“Nice to meet you, sir.” [paid well]
What your caddy means: Which way to the bar?
and…
What your caddy says:“Nice to meet you, sir.” [paid poorly]
What your caddy means: Which way to the bar?
Dr. Chet Stephens was formerly America’s #1 Incarcerated Advice Columnist. Last Spring, he was released from prison, after serving 3 years for tax evasion. He has agreed to “occasionally” continue his award-winning, misogynistic advice column Replace Your Divots: Dr. Chet Stephens’ Thoughts on Love, Life & the Game of Golf. Chet is a 37 handicap.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:28 am
My caddy has a stomach like a keg. He always says women gather around the keg. I still dont understand what that means.