Dr. Chet Stephens: Optimist or Pessimist?
By Jock | April 27, 2008
Category: Dr. Chet Stephens
Dear Chet: My wife and I were having a long conversation the other night…is Chet Stephens an optimist or a pessimist? We can’t figure it out. Hope you get out of the slammer real soon, bud.
Phil, Harrisburg
Dear Phil:
I’m not exactly sure what you mean by a “long conversation” with your wife. As you’ve already read, I spent over two years pretending to be mute with my third wife, Candice. It was during this time that I came to the conclusion that inter-spousal communication is pointless unless viewed as a form of foreplay.
Thus, like I said, I’m not sure I understand your premise.
Nonetheless, I’m happy to answer your question. Anyone who knows Chet Stephens knows that Chet Stephens is an unabashed optimist. If someone tells Chet Stephens that his brandy snifter is half-empty, by God, he fills it back up!
I’ll give you an example. Just last year, I was out on the course with my caddy, Glen. We were making the turn when a big, dark storm blew through. The sirens were going wild. “What seems to be the problem?” I asked.
Just then, a big chunk of hail bounced off his head. It was raining hard, and lightning was zapping all around us. “Suh,” he said. “I’d like to go in.”
“Now, let’s be honest,” I said. “If you really look at the sky, only about half of it is filled with raindrops. The rest is just empty, dry air. So while you say it’s raining, and you’re right, I say it’s not raining, and I’m also right. You see, life is just a matter of perspective, Glen. You’re a pessimist, and I’m an optimist. You can’t see the dry air along with the wet.”
Glen didn’t say much after that, but he trudged on, and I could tell he was thankful. He was only out a few weeks with that pneumonia; I stayed pretty dry under the umbrella.
So you see, Phil, life’s really just a matter of perspective. I’m now thinking of the great Zen-master Basho, who in the 8th century stood in the middle of the field during a monsoon. One of his students ran out to him and said: “Master, you must come in. It’s raining!” Basho looked to the sky and responded: “Yes, but it is also not raining.”
I’m also thinking of one of my mentors, spiritual guru Ty Webb, who said: “A flute with no holes is not a flute. And a donut with no holes is a danish.”
Dr. Chet Stephens was formerly America’s #1 Incarcerated Advice Columnist. Last Spring, he was released from prison, after serving 3 years for tax evasion. He has agreed to “occasionally” continue his award-winning, misogynistic advice column Replace Your Divots: Dr. Chet Stephens’ Thoughts on Love, Life & the Game of Golf. Chet is a 37 handicap.